Danielle Luc Photography

While working at a place in 2006 in the Family Development sector of a local organization, it was discovered that I’d had an appendix that needed to make an exit.  Now, I’ve had surgeries before and even before one of them joked about the morgue and whatever to ease my nerves.  That was before I had a child.

All of a sudden this surgery wasn’t about me or my rotten appendix or recovery or anything, it was about the whole fear of not coming out of it and my then two year old growing up without me.  Fears aside, it was happening and was over with and I was okay. 

I was told two weeks off work.  At that time it was decided I would end up staying home to raise Kate – that the option was feasible for us.  I didn’t realize how much I’d missed of her life when I worked outside the home and was grateful to spend a few months at home with her before she started preschool in the fall.  I am grateful for those days as I know how many who cannot have this opportunity would love it, and I didn’t/don’t take it for granted, either.

Things got weird though when I became pregnant with our son, Evan, at the end of the year. I had an incredibly complicated pregnancy which threatened both myself and my son for months, and right up until after delivery.  Feeling close to death or really thinking that it is knocking at your door changes something in a person; when your mind has had to lay there and accept the fact that things are not going how they “should” and that the end result may not be pretty, it does something to your soul.  When I finally came home from the hospital and was able to brush my teeth without a problem (don’t ask) I felt like I’d been given a second chance.  But it wasn’t a normal “second chance” feeling, it was fearsome.  I felt like I had to focus on a goal, a dream, a something – and accomplish it as fast as I could. I became obsessed with learning how to achieve my goal, how to make it happen, and how to become like the people I looked up to.

Photography was always a hobby, but now I felt like I had limited time to my life – so I had to hurry up and go somewhere. I decided I would learn further my craft (what a concept – learning it before opening a business).  Unfortunately I know now that this was an escape from dealing with my feelings on what I’d  describle as a rollercoaster through hell.    I thought over the last almost four years that I had this shit figured out – I’d work from home, be there with my kids, it’d all be lovely.

Well as it turns out, I’m not always right (smile) and I had to learn to deal with what my pregnancy with Evan did to me.  To this day, going on his fourth birthday, I still have health problems related to it and it’s a constant reminder. Moral? You really cant run from things – at some point, you just have to deal with them then and there.  Chasing this dream didn’t erase my fears or my heartache.

But it did give me something I didn’t know I had.

Magic Powers.

Okay, not really. But it gave me something to give to others.  I’m still not perfect at it, and I’ll sit here at this dumb computer and erase an hours worth of work because I notice things that only other’s in my field would.  However maybe that is the point – I stopped reading most of the photographers blogs that I used to because they made me feel inferior. But why? I was setting out to be myself and I don’t need to be like them, I just need to be me.  If the next professional wouldn’t have done it that way, then maybe they would have had it more technically correct but lacked creativity and emotion – I don’t know, I just don’t care.  Let’s not take that as I don’t value some constructive criticism because I do and that is how I grow.

I even went through a time recently where I went ballistic in my own mind over the fact there are a million of  ”photographers” in my town with little to no correctness in their photographs selling discs for fifty dollars, session included. I cant compete with that and I do not know how they stay in business. They can shoot weddings and let others trust them with their precious day with one camera and no backup equipment and no idea how to expose a low light situation, and then will criticize me for charging too much. If they only knew the costs that are associated with ONE wedding!  My obsession with detail and the time I spent consuming myself with it – was it worth it when people don’t care about the outcome of their images?  Then the stupid brick hit me – yes it matters, because I work hard and am worth it – and it’s okay to give yourself a high-five every now and then.  Obviously it was worth it because the people I am working for value it or they wouldn’t hire me. I just needed to focus on that, and work hard for THEM, not other people’s clients.  But whatever I do, it has to be important enough to my clients and myself to spend the time away from my family.

So I’ve spent a few years giving to others these gifts they are thankful for. I’ve learned how to make a contribution to my household financially with something that I love. Great. But at the end of the day, this job isn’t about money.  If the insurance, equipment, and other BS I have to pay for didn’t exist, I’d do it for free. All day every day. Because I love it that much.

And you have to love what you do.

But I also love being a mom.

And part of me has gotten off that path.

“One minute” “I’m almost done” “Just a second”  “not right now “  “I’ll be right back”

My poor beautiful children, whom I fought to bring into this world, have been hearing those STUPID phrases for too long.  This glorious work from home BS? Not so glorious. Even though I’m only supposed to be working on days my husband is on his 48 and here with my kids -what does that do for my husband and i when I have to pack in hours in my house cramped in a dark room? Nothing.  When what could be 5 very productive hours of work is interrupted by every 15 minutes of “wahhh!” – then that five hours actually amounts to an hours of work accomplished.

It’s not fair to my children, to me, or my clients who get stuck waiting forever for stuff because doing this from home isn’t working any more.

If I’m downstairs at night with my kids, I can feel myself trying to stop my legs from hurling myself up the stairs to work for just 15 minutes.  I can’t keep up with the household things because I’m so consumed knowing my work exists in my home.  I get angry when no one realises I do the work of more than one person, I’m the photographer – the accountant (which I blow at btw, thanks for my husband being there), the office manager, the editor, the assistant – I am all of these things and to say I work over 40 hours a week is an understatement, but one that in this era, I am blessed to have.

So what to do? How to make this right for everyone?  How to get through my upcoming July where I only have one Saturday without a wedding, and still turn images out on time?  There is no reason a client cant have a collection of 700 wedding images retouched and turned out in a week.  There is really no other reason if the time is there to work on them.

Uninterrupted.

Outside the home.

I’ve been grappling with this because I always told myself, mother first, working woman second. But I’m coming to realize that if I stay here where I think I am doing them good, then I am sadly mistaken.

It’s time to get back outside. To come home to open arms, to watch TV with them at night before bed, to sit with them while they snack, to not feel I have to hurry them to bed so I can work from 9pm to 2am and then try to get up and get back at it when Kate gets on the bus. No more.

I’m moving into a loft downtown at the end of this month.  Our plans are to build onto our garage a new building that will house a newborn studio, office space for Christi and I, and a place that is home, but not in my home. A place where the lights go out and the door closes and I am done for the day.  So that my home, my husband, and my children have a wife and a mother who is not so consumed with everyone else when she should be consumed with them.

The loft is temporary, and just office space,  shooting will stay the same for me right now =)  But will allow me to say that I’m working for six hours and actually work for six hours straight.  It will give my clients a faster turn around, an enhanced experience.  It will give my family, a mom who comes home and IS one.

I respect moms of all kinds, work in  the home, work outside of it -or manage the household – they are all tremendous ridiculously strenuous jobs!  But this one, Danielle – she’s got to make a change.

For them.

 

Here’s to being a better mom and a better businesswoman.  I’m nervous to make this change, but I share this to show that I am human, too – and that I will go to any length, for anyone – and fuss over every detail until it’s right.

Here’s to my largest wedding season yet. serving my long time clients as well as new ones – quicker and more efficiently. Here’s to earning and keeping their respect.

Here’s to all the mom’s who struggle with the decisions daily, or chase dreams for the wrong (or right) reasons – who make them happen and can admit they could have done better – or who can pat themselves on the back when the job is well done.

Here’s to anyone who’s ever been so sick they couldn’t get over the fact that they were alright when they were cured or relieved of their ailment - that the nightmare was over – and chased life down faster than the speed of light…

… and to those who are not okay, still chasing it down anyway.

Here’s to being outside.

I am so proud to say that I am no where near being done learning.

Love you all!

xo

dani